As a self-proclaimed expert on Sci-Fi, and movies in general (I’m probably the only guy who claims to be such a thing, right?) I am about to write a few honest critics about some flicks that manage to get to me in a negative manner. What I wanted to say is that I’m about to unleash a series of profanities and rants about the worst space movies that I’ve ever watched. Multiple times for one reason or the other.
One might ask why a person would actually do such a thing, and generally watch movies that he doesn’t like repeatedly just to talk sh*t about them, but in that case you’re not my audience and you can go and watch the new Star Wars movie and find out that Han Solo’s kid is the actual bad guy, or Darth Caedus.
No spoilers alert in this one kids.
Moving along, the first gruesome feature of the Worst Space Movies list that I’m going to bash about is the amazing Adventures of Pluto Nash. Heh, that rhymes.
Invincible Eddie Murphy
Randy Quaid had some really embarrassing roles in his career, and although I am not the only guy thinking that this man deserves much more attention, he is unfortunately our honor guest in more than one feature on this list. The first one is the role of Bruno, an inferior android and companion of Eddie Murphy on his road to the ultimate failure.
If you’ve watched this movie you can only agree that this plot is probably the worst one that Eddie Murphy had to memorize and try to make something out of it. We are talking about the comedian who played some really shitty roles and this one takes the cake. Pluto Nash, ex smuggler, is the owner of a night club set in Little America, which is a colony on the 21st century Moon nonetheless, and he is threatened by mafia for some reason and his club gets destroyed. After that, poor Murphy is traveling through space revisiting old relatives and figuring out how his clone is the actual bad guy. Then Murphy shoots Randy and himself but both of them wear bulletproof vests and after that I blacked out from vomiting repeatedly.
I would recommend this movie to be used as a form of a torture technique for 4th graders that have a tendency to skip classes. They won’t learn anything from watching this movie also, but will stay in school in the future.
The Sequel Day
Haven’t you heard? The awesome 20th Century Fox just dug up old Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman and Will Smith and convinced them(read: threw money at them) to make The Independence Day 2. Sikes, Will Smith passed on this opportunity to humiliate himself more than he did in that movie with Jaden, After Earth or whatnot (haven’t watched it, I’m a hater, not a masochist).
Good choice Fresh Prince! The only thing that made the first part watchable were Bill Pullman and the aforementioned Randy Quaid. Just because of the performance of these two the Independence Day isn’t on the Worst Space Movies list. But when it comes to the sequel, however, I’m feeling free to bitch about this movie even tho it’s only in the pre-production. Talking about milking a dead cow.
Please go silently into the night! Please vanish without a fight! Please don’t live on, don’t survive!
Transformers: Age of Diarrhea
When a person as crazy as Shia LaBeouf says: F*** this, I’m out! – that is a great indicator that a serious BS is about to hit the fan. Thank God John Turturro had nothing to do with this movie as well and was able to keep his name off the credits because I’ve cursed every single name that appeared on that big screen.
Yes, I’ve actually paid to see this monstrosity, because I loved Transformers all my life, and now I wish that Optimus Prime comes to life and rips Michael Bay a new one in public. I would pay top dollar to see that. Movie with this many plot holes and obvious mistakes is a real F. U. message to the loyal fans that actually paid to watch your shitty movie you worthless dipshit.
Since you’ve ruined Ninja Turtles as well, and you are obviously on a mission to mess up my childhood in general, I hope that you wake up one morning and find yourself caged with a bunch of gorillas high on Viagra. You are a definite champion of the Worst Space Movies List.
Nukie: Too Awful for the Worst Space Movies List
E.T. was one of the highest grossing movies of the early eighties, so naturally, many filmmakers tried to jump on the bandwagon. Almost everybody knows about the atrocity that is “Mac & Me”, but in the same year, probably the worst E.T. rip-off ever made saw the light of day.
The plot of “Nukie” sees two alien brothers crash-land on Earth and attempt to find each other. The acting is bad, the dialog would make even the aforementioned Michael Bay blush and of course, you cannot have a bad alien movie without an awful Playdough-like costume.
One of the most fascinating things about this wonderful piece of eighties trash is that it was edited by not one, not two, but seven different editors. This movie is just wrong. Too wrong for the Worst Space Movies list and too wrong to watch it even sarcastically.
Aliens vs. Avatars
Lewis Schoenbrun, (the director of such “cinematic masterpieces” as “Queen Cobra” and “The Amazing Bulk”) loves James Cameron so much apparently, that in 2011 he decided to combine his two iconic movies.
Well to be honest, there are no Xenomorphs or Na’vis to be found in this 80-minute train wreck. Instead, we have six typical teenagers who find themselves alone in the woods with a race of creatures that have the ability to morph into anything when they consume its DNA… Sorry I just vomited a little bit.
Instead of excellent CGI, we have cheap green screens and AfterFX.In addition, who needs state of the art motion capture when you can go down the street to the nearest hardware store to buy some blue paint?