Jupiter Ascending Review, TL;DR Style

A puppet master said to the Hollywood powers “hey, we need a movie to discredit the findings of Erich von Daniken, so if people hear about him, they’ll say “oh I saw that in a movie once!” and turn off their brains” and their reply was “let’s get the Waichowski’s to direct it because then everyone will be duped into seeing it!” – and Jupiter Ascending was born.

Pros:

– Fantastic space and space combat eye candy
– Sean Bean
– Great references (Firefly? Check. Strike Suit Zero? Check. Serenity? Check. Stargate?  Check. Halo? Check. Star Wars? Kind of.)
– The Crew (and name) of the Aegis (Aegis Dynamics baby – Star Citizen ftw!  Or, ya know, Zeus)
– Cool aliens
– Excellent overall premise, despite the attempt at “I saw it in a movie” population retardation reason-for-being
– Gravity boots

Cons:

– All the cast that isn’t Sean Bean (or crew of the Aegis)
– Completely out of place soundtrack
– A “story” so pitiful I’d rather watch the movie on mute
– Mila Kunis falling probably 50% of the time she is on screen
– Mila Kunis
– Channing what’s-his-face trying to be manly
– Channing what’s-his-face
– “I saw it in a movie” population retardation of Erich von Daniken’s works (go read them instead of watching this movie)
– A story so predictable I could have quoted it while watching on mute
– Steampunk is stupid
– It costs money
– It exists

Bottom Line

Don’t waste your money.  Go read Erich von Daniken instead.  Watch it on mute when one of your less-than-average IQ friends (c’mon now, everyone has one – you know, the one you feel bad for because he also bought Avatar…)  buys it thinking that it’s a good movie so you can see cool space ship battles.