Jupiter Ascending Review: The TL;DR Version


Jupiter Ascending Review, TL;DR Style

Jupiter Ascending ReviewA puppet master said to the Hollywood powers “hey, we need a movie to discredit the findings of Erich von Daniken, so if people hear about him, they’ll say “oh I saw that in a movie once!” and turn off their brains” and their reply was “let’s get the Waichowski’s to direct it because then everyone will be duped into seeing it!” – and Jupiter Ascending was born.

Pros:

– Fantastic space and space combat eye candy
– Sean Bean
– Great references (Firefly? Check. Strike Suit Zero? Check. Serenity? Check. Stargate?  Check. Halo? Check. Star Wars? Kind of.)
– The Crew (and name) of the Aegis (Aegis Dynamics baby – Star Citizen ftw!  Or, ya know, Zeus)
– Cool aliens
– Excellent overall premise, despite the attempt at “I saw it in a movie” population retardation reason-for-being
– Gravity boots

Cons:

– All the cast that isn’t Sean Bean (or crew of the Aegis)
– Completely out of place soundtrack
– A “story” so pitiful I’d rather watch the movie on mute
– Mila Kunis falling probably 50% of the time she is on screen
– Mila Kunis
– Channing what’s-his-face trying to be manly
– Channing what’s-his-face
– “I saw it in a movie” population retardation of Erich von Daniken’s works (go read them instead of watching this movie)
– A story so predictable I could have quoted it while watching on mute
– Steampunk is stupid
– It costs money
– It exists

Bottom Line

Don’t waste your money.  Go read Erich von Daniken instead.  Watch it on mute when one of your less-than-average IQ friends (c’mon now, everyone has one – you know, the one you feel bad for because he also bought Avatar…)  buys it thinking that it’s a good movie so you can see cool space ship battles.


I'm an ecommerce / digital marketer at Rhino Digital and spend the rest of my time exercising, rock climbing, reading, and writing, usually in the company of awesome people. My favorite game franchises are the Homeworld series and the Descent series. You can reach me at mike [@] fistsofheaven.com

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